I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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