you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
