I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she smelled like a LAN party
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
