did you get engaged???
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
