Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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