I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
