I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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