I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
