Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
