ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
