I bet he comes in French.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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