I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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