He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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