i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
