So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
