Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
