i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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