im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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