I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
