Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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