Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
