i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
