We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
