i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
