i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
