just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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