had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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