The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
