Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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