UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
