i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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