end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
