No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My cat gives me a boner
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
