12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
