you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
