Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i wish my penis had a tongue
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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