and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
