did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
