My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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