No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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