I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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