I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
