She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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