Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
