Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
