So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
