Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
