I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
