i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you had me at cake vodka
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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