I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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