If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
