If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We left an ass print on the piano.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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